Starbucks is a hugely popular coffee chain that serves up millions of hot and tasty beverages each day. For many its the first caffeine hit of the day before work. For others its a great place to socialise with friends. But for me it's hell.
Why? You might ask. Well, as a concept it seems great but reality tells a different story.
Lets go step by step through the whole ordeal. First, you've go to find one. But that's no longer a problem, you can be assured that, like a rat, you're never more than 1o feet from a Starbucks. These outlets pop up everywhere and are like acne in cities. So now you've found one, you go in, pick out your food while in line and wait to order your coffee. This is when things start to hot up- quite literally, I've waited for what seems like hours in Saharan temperatures- all for the filtrate of some crushed berries. I've been subjected to such torture, that I've literally questioned my own existence and become delirious, having visions of motivated staff, whilst in line.
Eventually you get to the counter to order the coffee. Having examined the Biblically sized board of choice I decide to go for the 'light' option. And every time I discreetly order a 'Skinny, Light, Double Mocha, no shots, no cream, no coffee, coffee Frappucino' I'm certain to have gotten the only member of staff born with a Megaphone for a voice box. So once you have had the fact your having the 'healthy' option, bellowed and made common knowledge to anyone within a five mile radius, you have the pleasure of financing your beverage of shame.
All I've bought is a drink and sandwich (fuck the 'Skinny Carrot Cake' I can only take so much humiliation in one day). The assistant then asks if you're 'eating in' which, quite frankly, is the equivalent of asking someone buying a Ford Mondeo if they would like to pay the price of a Ferrari for it. But, I've come here for a relaxing coffee and I'll be damned if I'm going to consume it in the street. So I say I'm 'eating in' as if it's somehow a novelty. The assistant then presses the '+250%' button on the till and quietly breaks the small ransom price to you. I still haven't figured out how they can charge so much for 1 square foot of seat. I'm of the opinion that for that price I should be able to walk out with the seat and table I used as well as another bonus item of furnishing.
Standing in queue does have some advantage, however. You can size up the competition. You see, I enter Starbucks with one objective, after the coffee- to get the soft sofa seat for myself and no one else, after all, for what I've paid, I'm definitely not going to settle for a wooden chair. Oh no! the sofas are for the go-getter in life and I'll have nothing less. It becomes a mind game. Will the woman with a child be prepared to use her 18 month old baby to reserve the sofa? Will the wheelchair user in front of me have sufficient speed and agility to claim the sofa as his? It truly is survival of the fittest. And I'm not above anything to secure myself prime position.
Why do it then? Well for that you have to go and try the little Grandé pot of heaven that Starbucks consistently provide. The pleasant sugary caffeine rush is fantastic and it tastes great. And after you have worked so hard and overcome so much for one simple drink, you feel like you have truly achieved something for yourself. I guess an addict will put up with a lot and coffee drinkers are no different.
2 comments:
but how about the fact that starfucks is an evil multinational that uses slave labour in the production and harvesting of its coffee beans? you seemed to have missed that bit out.
i didn't say the comments would be nice.
(i did laugh a bit though... until i realised you still actually enjoyed going there. then i considered disowning you as my cousin, and following the general trend the family has established for abondoning members at will. Its family tradition, i wouldn't want to let anyone down!)
this is the funniest.
Post a Comment