Ever heard of Scientology? If you watch television or even listen to the news the chances are you have. If you're reading this in America, unlucky, its classed as a religion there. Something which affords it far more credibility than it should probably have. Here, however, it has been refused such status thankfully. Sure, there are tons of issues with religions, but there's a limit and that limit is Scientology. Its whole appearance and set up is so rich in absurdity and sheer insanity, that even the word brings a suppressed giggle from nowhere.
It is a fairly sinister organisation, it harasses critics, preys on the vulnerable and is rather more like a profitable franchise. It even charges for its key texts- something not even a hard up church would do, well you can get beefed up Bibles for a price but most are given free. But I am not bothered about these aspects, it is unpleasant but not very dangerous- ask Joe public and they will think it as credible as the OJ Simpson defence. I want to look at the vast amounts of comedy it provides me with. Calling it a cult annoys me though, we expect such crazy ideas from cults, so let call it an organisation to amplify the humour shall we?
Firstly, let us look at who it has representing it in the public eye. The most famous is Tom Cruise. This is like the Church of England asking Borat to be their figure head. Hilarity is bound to ensue. And it did. He filmed a video about Scientology in which he stated amongst much tautologous crap, 'I won't hesitate to put ethics into someone else because I put it ruthlessly in on myself'. Oh, and did you know that Scientology is the authority on drug and criminal rehab? With Criminon and Narconon, now don't they sound like nice, safe rehab programs? Maybe Amy Winehouse should hook up with Tom. I don't know about Amy but Tom's got to be on crack.
I would like to share an experience I once has with a dear friend regarding Scientology. We were in town and had about 5 hours to waste. So we decided to go for a free 'personality test' they were offering. We of course went in under aliases. I chose a rather ordinary name whilst my dear friend thought she would go in as Regina Spector, a irony lost wasted on our testers. Thinking it would be a quick ten minute bout of suppressed laughter, we sat down in the reception area. Soon a rather large sheet with about 200 tick box questions was brought to us. Shit, we both thought simultaneously, this discrete mockery was going to take a little longer than expected. We began seriously answering the questions, up to around 15 and then went on a super speed ticking race.
Having realised, we had answered 200 deep, introspective questions in under 5 minutes, the woman with a permanent smile came over and took our results to go and be analysed. We were each given a book to muse over whilst we waited for out consultation on how toxic we were. This time, however, was used to run through our story and fake addresses . Again, the irony of No. 12 Existential Road seemed lost on them. Now our mockery became how far we could push the boundaries of absurdity. Seeing as they deal in this commodity already, we must have seemed like amateurs in comparison. After much waiting, I was the first to be taken to a consultation booth. I was lead there by a man who had clearly been a car salesman in his past. A suit that left much to be desired and an ill fitted shirt flagged up the fact that the drug addicts he exploited in this area weren't particularly lucrative.
Appearances aside, he told me that overall I get nervous, can be fairly happy too and predicted that I was someone who engaged in the act of breathing on a very regular basis. What revelations I thought to myself. However, I had told my accomplice that I was going to play two personalities. One mumbling and insecure one and one coherent confident one. I began by uming and erring and using completely inappropriate adjectives, apparently my life was very 'mauve' and I can find social situations 'pulsating' and 'salty'. Then half way through one of the many confused sentences I confessed, as lucidly and swiftly as possible, that socialising was very agreeable and that life was good. To say he looked confused is an understatement. But he was damned if he was going to lose a sale, oops- I mean the chance to enlighten. Eventually, the consultation finished with not one fact being mentioned the entire time. But then fact and Scientology are not particularly chummy.
Pretty soon I found myself talking to the woman with the permanent smile, whilst by friend was in a booth whilst the curious man told her that she is female and probably uses her legs to walk. And that because he knows such intimate and powerful information, she should buy his books and posters about people with permanent smiles. Anyway, I sat there as the woman with a permanent smile pointed out flaws in the theory of evolution. Apparently, because 'she feels like a spiritual being, adaptation and evolution just don't seem plausible'. Well, if that's not conclusive proof I don't know what is!
I've come to a little conclusion of my own. I think the secret is all in the permanent smile. My theory is that, once a full member, they tell you that Scientology was actually set up as a practical joke but as it proves to be lucrative and few have caught on, they're just continuing with it. Like becoming a millionaire for using a Whoopy Cushion. The only way they can hold the years on held back laughter, is by steadily releasing it through smiles. Even Tom Cruise is subject to the occasional unstoppable bout of laughter. Who couldn't?
Like the Monster Raving Looney Party, I reckon Scientology is almost slap stick satire. Its a shame reporters and drug addicts are the victims of their practical joke. Still everyone likes a laugh. If you need proof, just go on their websites, you'll encounter a big toothy grin within a few seconds. Cherie Blair would be jealous.
So here's to Scientology! The most amusing cultural faux-pas since witch hunts.
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